How do you decide between separating and divorcing?

Anyone considering a divorce has likely wondered about whether separation might be a better idea. After all, divorce can be a relief for some couples who have grown tired of constantly fighting, but no one wants to rush into such an important decision with doubts. The following are some questions experts have come up with to help you think through the decision making process.

First of all, you need to make sure you understand what exactly is making you so unhappy. Taking some time to have a true separation and think through the unhappiness might be wise. If you are not exactly sure why you want to end your marriage, some time and space can be a good idea to help solidify your feelings before deciding to pull the trigger.

Second, what’s the underlying issue that has led to the unhappiness? Is it physical or verbal abuse? How about a gambling problem? Drug dependencies? Repeated cheating? Or is it something less terrible like communication trouble? The answer is not meant to demean those problems, but can help in deciding whether separation is a good idea. In cases where something dangerous like physical abuse or a drug addiction is at play, a clean break might be the best option for everyone involved. If the problem is something like a communication breakdown, a separation might be a good way to seek therapy and work through your issues.

If you have children, it’s also essential to consider how a split will affect them. For some kids, a separation might be a bad thing in that it provides false hope of reconciliation, especially if both parents know the marriage really is over. In other cases, a separation can be a good thing in that it ends the damaging fights and gives parents some breathing room to calm down and work through their issues on their own.

Finally, are you both sure that you are ready to split? If one spouse is still unsure, a separation can be a good way of letting that person get used to the idea of a new life on their own. It can also be helpful in giving the other spouse a taste of what divorce will look and feel like. In some cases, this might be enough to force the couple back together and make otherwise reluctant spouses willing to work through their issues. Unless both parties are really ready for a divorce, a separation might be a good place to start.

If you find yourself facing the prospect of complicated divorce and have questions about your rights and options, contact an experienced Ohio family law attorney who can help guide you through the difficult process. Count on the expertise of Twinsburg family law attorney Carol L. Stephan.

Source: “To Divorce Or Separate? Experts Weigh In,” by Claire Daniel, published at HuffingtonPost.com.

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What’s “nesting” and does it work in an Ohio divorce?

The idea of nesting, which has been discussed in pop culture recently (think the Gosselin family) began as couples tried to come up with a way to keep their children’s lives stable despite the turmoil of divorce. The term “nesting” refers to what happens when exes share or rotate through a single home that their children live in full-time. The goal is to avoid having the children live out of a suitcase, creating much needed stability in a time of enormous change.

Family law experts say that nesting can work well in some cases, but be a nightmare in others. In marriages that fell apart due to violence or damaging addiction, continuing to share a home would not be a good idea and would likely make things more difficult for everyone. In cases where exes are amicable after the split and have the financial resources to make it work, nesting can lead to truly collaborative co-parenting. Some people say in cases where the exes are able to get along and have the financial wherewithal to do it, nesting can be ideal for children.

Despite the good news, it does not mean that nesting is easy, even if you are one of the few couples that can still get along after a split. Coming to agreement on important issues after you’re divorced can be hard, even in the best cases. Certain issues will have to be overcome to make the nesting process work and some of the questions you should ask include the following: Who will be responsible for housekeeping and household maintenance? Who owns what and who has the right to make changes to the house? Who pays rent and how much is owed? Where will the other parent be when one parent is nesting with the kids? What about food, clothing and other basic necessities, how will those expenses be split?

Some other things to watch for if you’re considering nesting is that your children should not mistake this as a precursor to the two of you getting back together. Experts say that parents should remind their children that reconciliation is not going to happen and that the nesting is merely an attempt to make their lives easier.

One of the things that most often ends a nesting attempt is when one spouse meets someone new. If one spouse begins dating and wants to introduce a third party into the family home that can often kill the entire nesting experiment. Trying to navigate so many landmines can be dicey, but for some the hassle is worth it for the happiness of their children.

If you find yourself facing the prospect of complicated divorce and have questions about your rights and options, contact an experienced Ohio family law attorney who can help guide you through the difficult process. Count on the expertise of Twinsburg family law attorney Carol L. Stephan.

Source: “Dismantling the Marriage But Not the House,” by Katie Hafner, published at HuffingtonPost.com.

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How To Handle Spring Break In The Midst An Ohio Divorce

Spring break can be a crazy time for all families, but especially so for those families going through a divorce. Even in the best cases, having to juggle children between multiple houses, taking into account various schedules and conflicting vacation plans can be a chore. The problem is that many parents wait until the last minute to try and hammer out the details, which succeeds only in making a bad situation worse. If you’re willing to think ahead, taking a few steps early on can save a lot of hassle down the road.

First things first, to make spring break easier for the whole family begin planning what you’re going to do before the divorce is ever finalized. Try to come up with a vacation plan that will work for your and your soon-to-be-former spouse while you’re both still drawing up the parenting plan. Though vacations probably won’t be the most pressing concern, it’s still possible to set aside a moment to start planning for what you know will be a problem in the future. After all, it’s much better to get the kinks worked out now than to spend years arguing over the details. You and your attorney need to answer questions like what day of the week do vacations begin and which holidays are considered special and which will follow the normal parenting plan. There’s no right or wrong answer to the questions, they just are important issues that need to be covered to ensure you reach a comprehensive plan.

                     

Even if spring break isn’t spelled out in your parenting plan, you can still plan in advance. Parents should get together (or correspond) about their travel plans months in advance. Try to hammer things out well before spring ever rolls around so there isn’t any last minute hysteria. Not only will this makes things go more smoothly for you, you’re your kids will enjoy the structure and stability that comes with a seamless vacation.

Finally, while it’s great to reach a verbal agreement with your former spouse, it’s essential that you take the next step and put it in writing. Creating a document, even a very simple one, can make all the difference in avoiding fights down the road. Not only will it help keep things straight in both of your minds, but also if one party voices disapproval, the argument can be put to a stop quickly by busting out the written agreement.

While emergencies can happen at any time and throw a wrench into even the best plans, this should be the exception and not the rule. Taking time early on to work with a skilled Ohio family law attorney to iron out all the details of your divorce can avoid serious headaches down the road.

If you find yourself facing the prospect of complicated divorce and have questions about your rights and options, contact an experienced Ohio family law attorney who can help guide you through the difficult process. Count on the expertise of Twinsburg family law attorney Carol L. Stephan.

Source: “Spring Break Parenting Time Schedule,” by Matt Allen, published at Examiner.com.

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Throw Away the X Label

Labels. Married, divorced, single, separated, or just confused.  The labels can make us happy, jumping for joy, or sad, searching for the right tone of blues to match the crazy foul mood.  More labels.  Traditional family; non-traditional family; broken family; single parent.  The "X" label.  This one doled out to the former spouse and his or her family with hexes on all of their futures.  So, you say, it's officially "ex" and not "X", but the point is, the word is a lot like "crackle" or "boom" as the word "ex" sounds like its  meaning, onomatopoeia for the slashing or crossing out or deleting of the once special someone from your life script.

But there are children of Xs, and surely, no one wants a hex on their futures.  Throw away the X label, in both thoughts and words, and you might understand that your former husband or wife wants to do something in the best interests of Susie and Johnny.  Throw away the X label and you might find yourself talking to your former husband or wife (who have first names) BEFORE they do that something with Susie and Johnny.  Throw away the X label, and that special something with Susie and Johnny could include you if you want it to.  Just a thought. 

Ohio Supreme Court Hears Same Sex Parenting Case ~ In re Lucy Mullen

            I just got done listening to oral arguments before the Ohio Supreme Court regarding co-parenting between same sex couples ~ In re Lucy Mullen ~ heard on February 2, 2011.  The Court will render a decision soon, but thought I'd post the link to the arguments.

            Ohio biological parents can give up their custodial rights to children in one of two ways:  sign a contract doing so; or act in a manner that clearly indicates intent to give up custodial rights. 

            In this case, the mother and her girlfriend appeared to have every intention of co-parenting.  However, when the relationship soured, the mother sought legal counsel and refused to sign a co-parenting agreement with the girlfriend; this was a key fact for the lower court in deciding that mother didn't, as a matter of law, relinquish custody to the girlfriend. 

           

            Counsel for the girlfriend seemed to argue, in essence, that if  through your actions you agree to co-parent, that is the same as giving away or relinquishing custodial rights. And you can't later change your mind in the legal sense by refusing to put that agreement in writing. 

            I've wondered whether the Ohio Supreme Court might use this case as a basis, for public policy reasons, to adopt a bright line standard that says:  if you want co-parenting rights, you must enter into a written agreement.   After hearing the arguments, and questions by the Justices, I'm not convinced that will happen.   

           Though new Justice Yvette Brown alluded to the confusion created by the wide variety of ways people can come to court and now argue there is a  non-written but valid parenting agreement,  Douglas Dougherty, attorney for biological mother, stopped short of requesting a "gold standard" requiring written agreements in these situations.  Instead, he seemed to say that courts are equipped to determine whether there is an implied contract based on facts and circumstances. Chief Justice O'Connor also pointed out that having agreements in writing is not a cure-all (lots of written agreements end up in court) and, further, that courts are in business to sort through facts and access credibility.  

         Looking forward to seeing how the Justices bring clarity to non traditional parenting.  

Same Sex Couples and Parenting Rights - Ohio Supreme Court Watch

          Two females become life partners with one of them becoming a biological mother through artificial insemination and the other taking on the role of the "social" mother, holding themselves out to the community as a family.  What happens when the same sex couple ends up in Splitsville?

            Do non parent partners have visitation rights in Ohio?   Last week, the Ohio Supreme Court dismissed without comment a case filed on behalf of a biological mother, Julie Smith, seeking the court's immediate determination that a juvenile court is without authority to allow a non parent social mother visitation rights. The matter will now return to Franklin County for a trial on the non parent social mother's motion for shared parenting leaving unanswered an important legal question as to whether existing statutes do provide lower courts with authority to order visitation for a non parent partner.

            When will a non parent partner have shared parenting rights?  In May of this year, the Ohio Supreme Court accepted the discretionary appeal of a case out of Hamilton County, In re:  Lucy Kathleen Mullen, which may provide some direction for same sex couples intending to co-parent children.  The case is to be scheduled for oral arguments yet this year.

            Under existing law, a parent can voluntarily give up his or her rights to exclusive custody in favor of shared parenting to a non parent in one of two ways.  First, a parent can enter into a written shared parenting arrangement with a non parent and petition the court for approval.  In the case of In re Bonfield, the Ohio Supreme Court held that a shared parenting agreement between a same sex couple will be judicial accepted provided that due consideration is given to all known factors in determining what is in the best interests of the children and the non parent is found to be a proper person to assume the care, training, and education of the child.   

            Second, a parent can by virtue of his or her own conduct and words give up exclusive parental rights.  While biological parents have constitutional rights paramount to non parents, numerous Ohio cases hold that a non parent may obtain custody of a child if there is a preponderance of evidence indicating that the parent contractually relinquished custody through words, acts or deeds.   However, as noted by the trial court in this matter, these cases tend to be situations where there has been a total relinquishment - not partial relinquishment.  In Lucy, the question for the Ohio Supreme Court seems to be whether there were words, actions and deeds to demonstrate  conclusively that the biological mother contractually relinquished a portion of her exclusive parenting rights.

            Facts in Lucy indicating that biological mother gave up some of her  exclusive parenting rights include:  non parent partner identified the sperm donor, helped pay costs for biological mother's in-vitro fertilization, was there with biological mother and all birth related appointments, was listed as a parent on ceremonial birth certificate, was named as a guardian for the child in biological mother's will and powers of attorney were signed indicating that bio mom considered social mom a co-parent in every way.  However, facts in Lucy indicating that biological mother did not give up exclusive parenting rights include biological mother 's repeated refusal to sign a written shared parenting agreement and her revocation of non parent partner's guardian designation and powers of attorney.

          It will be interesting to see how the Ohio Supreme Court decides Lucy.  Perhaps the Court will simply require that agreements be in writing, not relying on simply the words, actions or deeds of those involved.  After all, in 1991 Ohio eliminated the common law marriage, implied by a couple's holding themselves out as husband and wife.  In any event, the Court's direction will help all parties, biological parents, non parent partners, and  children alike, to eliminate the difficulty noted by the trial court in Lucy:  "It is difficult if even possible to determine how much or what portion of custodial rights a parent would be relinquishing when an implied contract encompasses only a share of custody and is not reduced to writing.”